Dear Mr. Mustang Man from British Columbia,
The other day while I was obeying all posted traffic laws; the sky as blue as can be; the birds no doubt enjoying the last whispers of summer; the deer frolicking gaily in the late summer sun. I saw you in all of your glory. As awkward and as obvious as a turd on the kitchen floor, you were in the passing lane, going 25 miles per hour (sorry, 40.23 kilometers per hour) under the posted speed limit.
You clearly didn’t notice so I’ll let you know now that on that particular patch of Interstate 90 from Issaquah, WA to Spokane, WA has a posted speed limit of 70 MPH. I know it’s only a 260 mile stretch of unimpeded freeway with the speed limit posted only about 80 times. But I can see how those 80 signs were easy to miss while you read the newspaper…
Yes, that’s right, I saw you reading the news paper while driving on the freeway. I saw you shuffling with a big piece of paper while I was stuck behind you. Please don’t think of me as rude or judgmental, I gave you the benefit of the doubt at first and just assumed that it was a map. How do I know that it wasn’t a map you ask? I know because when I was finally able to pass you, after being stuck behind you for upwards of 20 minutes I saw you turn the pages as I drove by giving you the finger.
Whatever article you were reading; possibly about the rise or fall in value of the “loonie” or the “toonie” (whatever it’s called); maybe it was about hockey? Fair enough, you’re Canadian I can see that. Or maybe it was about Stephen Harper’s proposed policies? Yes, I know who your Prime Minister is. Either way, that clearly took precedent over the current task at hand; which of course we both know was driving. Or at least it should have been…
My bigoted assumptions of Mustang owners aside, you have got to be kidding me? Are you a fucking retard?… You’ve got all day to read about Bacon, Geese and Maple Syrup; at that particular moment I think that it is universally understood what is called for. That of course being DRIVING YOUR CAR LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN!
I have since tried to understand what kind of person would do such a thing as you did. Going 25 under in the passing lane is a real shit thing to do, especially when you have about 37 cars lined up behind you. But to read the news paper at the same time? Wow… Congratulations are in order; no questions asked! The amount of importance you put on your own time is breathe taking.
But I digress, I have had time to now analyze the situation further… Around your license plate it read “Hanna Chrysler”. At the time I didn’t read anything into this, but then (and I swear to CHRIST this is true) I remembered some of the random crap I came across while reading Nickelback reviews. Chad Kroeger, that no talent mouth breather WAS BORN IN HANNA, ALBERTA, CANADA!!! The same place you bought your Faggy “California Special” Mustang. Honestly! I don’t know why this particular type of Mustang is more special than any other Mustang. And why does it have to be a “California Special” Mustang? Would an “Alabama Special” Mustang be any different? Besides having a GPS screen that played nothing but Nascar? I wonder if Nascar's had GPS they would only give you directions that went in a complete circle? It would probably just say, "Left turn ahead, left turn ahead," over and over again.… I don't know, Nascar sucks. But seriously now, why can’t Ford build 1 cool Mustang instead of 27 shitty ones?… Fuck you Ford…
Is it possible that you and Chad “Something in your month” Kroeger are from the same town? Is it possible that you went to school together or something? Because if you did this explains everything. You most likely had a similar upbringing. See, the time you took from my life and the frustration you created are similar to the feelings I get when see that Monster on TV or hear him on the radio. You had plenty of time to get out of the passing lane before those big trucks pulled along side us, making it impossible for us to pass you. The same way that Musical Fascist Chad Kroeger has had plenty of time to fall on a knife or jump in front of a bus. It’s about having an undeserved sense of self-importance and believing that somehow the world is better with you around. Because just to be clear, the world isn't better with you around.
Now I don’t claim that my time is any more important than anyone else’s. The fact that I am writing there attests to that. For real’s, I’d kill myself but I’m too much of a pussy. Instead I drink copious about of shitty alcohol as fast as I can in the hope that either I choke on it or get Cirrhosis. But even I have better things to do than travel behind your soft-top California Mustang. Speaking of which, have you ever been to California? I have, many, many times. And I can tell you, if it really was a “California” Mustang, you would have put fake tits on it and given it a really bad tan like those whores from the “Jersey Shore.”
Anywho, as I finish writing this, something occurs to me. There is a small chance that you could have been reading an article about Nickelback… If I had thought of this at the time I might have driven you off the road and not felt bad about it at all. You have universal health care, so you’d be fine. But what am I supposed to do? I’m still here with hurt feelings from how bad Nickelback is. That's right, their band is so bad they hurt my feelings. Now I know how my buddy Jeff felt this one time back in high school; the windows in my '72 Pontiac LeMans wouldn't roll down and I farted so bad it made him sick. But the look on his face of absolute sadness and nausea was something I'll always look bad on with fondness...
So to sum up I'll say this:
1. If you're not passing, then GET OUT OF THE PASSING LANE. Having 30+ cars behind you blaring their horns for 20 minutes should make this completely obvious, but I guess not.
2. I shouldn't have to mention this but I will anyway just in case. It is generally inadvisable to READ THE FUCKING NEWSPAPER WHILE DRIVING YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
3. After doing the above forementioned activities; you have absolutely no right to look surprised and/or be insulted when I give you the finger and tell you to suck my balls.
4. Eva Mendes, I'd kidnap you and buy you nice things.
5. Fuck you Chad Kroeger.
6. Remember that really awesome song by Metallica called "Unforgiven" that they wrote in 1990? Then remember how after the Black album they had nothing but shit songs for years so they came out with "Unforgiven 2?" That's what Ford has done with the Mustang but in car form by going back to a "retro" look...
7. If Canada's universal health care covered hurt feelings I'd move there, it's the least Canada can do for me...
