This is Craigslist in Seattle...

This is a post I put on Craigslist awhile back.

I just don't care anymore y' know?

My wife left me awhile back, I got laid off, Craigslist is free and I've got nothing but time. But unlike my wife this disc changer is still sitting around my house, just not getting fatter...

Anyway, the title says it all... If you can't figure out what I'm selling then forget about it, I won't sell it to you. I require the IQ and the basic reading skills of a 2nd grader to do business on Craigslist. If this is you, then you're in luck. I might have the 92-96 OEM (original equipment manufacturer) BMW 6 disc changer for you.

Let me get a few things out of the way.

First, the changer costs $50... Let me say that again, $50... For all of you skimming over this part I'll say it (type it, for you internet trolls out there, Rob Larsen I'm thinking of you right now) one more time, $50 (fifty dollars). So, no, I will not sell it for $25, or $30 or even $49.99. Unless you have a Federal Reserve Note with a big'ol "50" on it or a number of smaller denominated pieces American currency that when added together equal $50; I will not sell it to you... Not that hard to figure out, seriously.

Second, before anyone asks me if this will work in their e30 or their 1997 e36 or their e46; ask yourself this. HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW? According to a 3 minute search on this really crazy thing call the internet, it's made for a 92-96 e36. So will it work with something that isn't an 92-96 e36? Buy it and find out, I don't care.

Third, did you notice at the top of the page where I said that I was interested in trades?... Go ahead and check real quick... Now double check... Did you see where I said that I wanted to trade??? NO!!! YOU DIDN'T!!! If I wanted to trade this for something I wouldn't have said that I was selling it, I would have said that I wanted to trade for something, Jesus Christ! Seriously, I'm trying to get rid my shit, not trade my shit for your shit. If I keep doing that then my shit and your shit will keep piling up until we're both covered in shit...

Let me put it another way: The older I get the more shit I get. If I trade my shit for your shit then my net shit gain/loss is equal to 0, I haven't gained any shit but I haven't lost any shit either. What I need is my net shit gain to be at least -1. I have made this graph to illustrate.






(If you can't read or don't understand this graph then turn your voter's registration card back into the state because you're a fucking retard.)

Finally,

IT'S A FUCKING CD PLAYER!!!

This is a list of questions that I was LITERALLY asked about this changer and my responses to them:

Q: Will it make my car cooler?
A: No.

Q: Will it get me laid?
A: Doubtful.

Q: Will it make me money?
A: Absolutely.

Q: Will it be a conversation piece?
A: I really don't see how.

Q: Will it play cassette tapes?
A: Go fuck yourself.

Q: Will it allow me to listen to CDs in my car?
A: Yes.

If you want this CD Changer then reply to this ad.

I don't want to look at this anymore. Every time I see it, it's like looking at my wife's ass getting fatter.

An Open Letter to Chad Kroeger

Dear Chad,

It has recently come to my attention that you have started a band called Nickelback... first, let me say that your bands name isn't all that great... it isn't all that bad either, but I’m just saying that you probably could have tried harder...

I don't consider myself to be anymore of a music expert than anyone else, but there are a few things that I have to get off my chest...

There are few things in the world that can move people more than music... A single note played at the right moment can bring people to tears. Clever lyrics can remind people of a great time in their life, and make them smile. Some music and even remind people of why they fell in love; but your music; Chad; does none of these things.

I grew up in a suburb of Seattle called Maple Valley. When I was 13 years old Kurt Cobain died... This affected me and others like me, greatly. I had always liked Nirvana, but the first time I heard, "where did you sleep last night" I realized how much I had lost; how much the world had lost, and how music would forever be worse off... Kurt Cobain made the world a better place... And I am grateful to have had the opportunity to enjoy what he had to offer the world...

But you and those ass holes you're in a band with... You make the world a worse place, let me explain...

When I first heard your band I thought, “Wow, what a shitty band...” I bet they'll be around for a year or so and then fall off the face of the earth like those Papa Roach fags... But you haven't... This doesn't mean that you have any talent at all, this says nothing about you or your band, this has to do with your fans...

Your fans are the same people who say soccer is boring but love Nascar... What the fuck?... Seriously?... Watching Europeans run around in short shorts is boring, but watching red necks drive in circles for 500 miles is entertaining?.. You see my point here?...

You wrote a song called, "If everyone cared" Fine… I assume you wanted people to know that you were a sensitive rocker fag like Bono. Fine... But if you are going to write a song called, "If everyone cared" then you can't turn around and write a song called, "Something in Your Mouth." Going from sensitive rocker fag like Bono to retarded ass clown singing about blow jobs doesn't work... It just makes you look like a complete phony...

Some will say, "Nickel back has sold millions and millions of albums... and won many, many awards..." All this means is that you sold a lot of records and won a lot of awards... That's all. You are not the best at anything other than making me want to kill myself. Let me give you an example.

Kobe Bryant has won more basketball championships that Magic Johnson, but Kobe Bryant isn't the best Laker until he beats AIDS... See what I mean?

There is a difference between skill and talent... Your band has a lot of skill, but no talent whatsoever. Let me put it another way. Your band can play any type of music in the world but can't write a good creative song if your life depended on it. Let me put it another way... If I had two dicks I’d cut them both off just so I could shove them both into my ears so I wouldn't have to hear your shitty music ever again… Seriously, your band is a musical abortion…

To sum up I’ll say this:

1. You write songs for the stupidest people in the world... otherwise known as NASCAR fans.

2. You try to be everything to everybody; a sensitive guy sometimes and then a guy who just wants pussy at other times.

3. You write dumb songs because while you have skill you have no talent.

Every historically significant band has at least 1 song that people will always remember... Stairway to heaven by Led Zeppelin, Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix, Creep by Radiohead, Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana, Hey Jude or I Want to Hold Your Hand by the Beatles, and so on and so on. But your band has none...

Lastly, how do you live with yourself?

Your music is so bad I’m almost glad Kurt isn't around to hear it... Every time one of your 3 minute musical suppositories comes on the radio it's another 3 minutes that a band with actual talent isn't on the radio. So, you see... You're not just making my life worse; you're making the lives of others worse too.

Of all the things that are wrong and terrible about your band this last one is the worst… Once I’ve heard your band, I’ve heard it forever. I can never un-hear your band. If I had a choice between killing Hitler before he started World War 2 and stopping your band from getting together for the first time, I’d choose stopping you.