By naabta2 at 2011-01-09
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Top Tens
Top Ten “Disabled People of All Time”
10. Helen Keller
9. Ludwig Von Beethoven
8. Stevie Wonder
7. Stephen Hawking
6. Theodore Roosevelt
5. Muhammad Ali
4. Christopher Reeve
3. Darth Vader
2. The Elephant Man
1. Ben Affleck
Top Ten “Fugly yet somehow desirable celebrities”
10. Paris Hilton
9. Lady Gaga
8. Mrs. Buttersworth
7. Tila Tequila
6. Hilary Clinton/Chelsea Clinton
5. Sally Field
4. Seal
3. Kathy Bates
2. Ronald McDonald
1. Ben Affleck
Top Ten “Whatever happened to…?”
10. Princess Diana
9. Hot Porn Stars
8. Bea Arthur
7. Foghat
6. Jesus Christ
5. AIDS
4. Saddam Hussein
3. New Orleans
2. The Twin Towers
1. Ben Affleck
Top Ten “Things said to Ben Affleck”
10. Red Sox Suck!
9. Wanna get high?!
8. Ainchoo dat one guy?!
7. Yee-a, yee-a!! Dat one guy from da movies!!
6. Hey Matt Damon! State of Play/He's just not that into you/Hollywoodland/Man about town/Surviving Christmas/Jersey Girl/Paycheck/Gigli/Daredevil/The Third Wheel/The Sum of All Fears/Changing Lanes/Bounce/Reindeer Games/Forces of Nature/200 Cigarettes/Armageddon/Phantoms/Going All the Way/Glory Days/School Ties/Field of Dreams (Baseball Fan at Fenway Park (unconfirmed, uncredited)) Fackin’ Sucked!
5.Duuuuuuuude!!!
4. What the Fuck, Man?!
3. Wicked Fag!
2. Can you get Matt Damon’s autograph for me?!
1. Hey! You’re Ben Affleck!
10. Helen Keller
9. Ludwig Von Beethoven
8. Stevie Wonder
7. Stephen Hawking
6. Theodore Roosevelt
5. Muhammad Ali
4. Christopher Reeve
3. Darth Vader
2. The Elephant Man
1. Ben Affleck
Top Ten “Fugly yet somehow desirable celebrities”
10. Paris Hilton
9. Lady Gaga
8. Mrs. Buttersworth
7. Tila Tequila
6. Hilary Clinton/Chelsea Clinton
5. Sally Field
4. Seal
3. Kathy Bates
2. Ronald McDonald
1. Ben Affleck
Top Ten “Whatever happened to…?”
10. Princess Diana
9. Hot Porn Stars
8. Bea Arthur
7. Foghat
6. Jesus Christ
5. AIDS
4. Saddam Hussein
3. New Orleans
2. The Twin Towers
1. Ben Affleck
Top Ten “Things said to Ben Affleck”
10. Red Sox Suck!
9. Wanna get high?!
8. Ainchoo dat one guy?!
7. Yee-a, yee-a!! Dat one guy from da movies!!
6. Hey Matt Damon! State of Play/He's just not that into you/Hollywoodland/Man about town/Surviving Christmas/Jersey Girl/Paycheck/Gigli/Daredevil/The Third Wheel/The Sum of All Fears/Changing Lanes/Bounce/Reindeer Games/Forces of Nature/200 Cigarettes/Armageddon/Phantoms/Going All the Way/Glory Days/School Ties/Field of Dreams (Baseball Fan at Fenway Park (unconfirmed, uncredited)) Fackin’ Sucked!
5.Duuuuuuuude!!!
4. What the Fuck, Man?!
3. Wicked Fag!
2. Can you get Matt Damon’s autograph for me?!
1. Hey! You’re Ben Affleck!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Mr. Mustang Man from British Columbia
Dear Mr. Mustang Man from British Columbia,
The other day while I was obeying all posted traffic laws; the sky as blue as can be; the birds no doubt enjoying the last whispers of summer; the deer frolicking gaily in the late summer sun. I saw you in all of your glory. As awkward and as obvious as a turd on the kitchen floor, you were in the passing lane, going 25 miles per hour (sorry, 40.23 kilometers per hour) under the posted speed limit.
You clearly didn’t notice so I’ll let you know now that on that particular patch of Interstate 90 from Issaquah, WA to Spokane, WA has a posted speed limit of 70 MPH. I know it’s only a 260 mile stretch of unimpeded freeway with the speed limit posted only about 80 times. But I can see how those 80 signs were easy to miss while you read the newspaper…
Yes, that’s right, I saw you reading the news paper while driving on the freeway. I saw you shuffling with a big piece of paper while I was stuck behind you. Please don’t think of me as rude or judgmental, I gave you the benefit of the doubt at first and just assumed that it was a map. How do I know that it wasn’t a map you ask? I know because when I was finally able to pass you, after being stuck behind you for upwards of 20 minutes I saw you turn the pages as I drove by giving you the finger.
Whatever article you were reading; possibly about the rise or fall in value of the “loonie” or the “toonie” (whatever it’s called); maybe it was about hockey? Fair enough, you’re Canadian I can see that. Or maybe it was about Stephen Harper’s proposed policies? Yes, I know who your Prime Minister is. Either way, that clearly took precedent over the current task at hand; which of course we both know was driving. Or at least it should have been…
My bigoted assumptions of Mustang owners aside, you have got to be kidding me? Are you a fucking retard?… You’ve got all day to read about Bacon, Geese and Maple Syrup; at that particular moment I think that it is universally understood what is called for. That of course being DRIVING YOUR CAR LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN!
I have since tried to understand what kind of person would do such a thing as you did. Going 25 under in the passing lane is a real shit thing to do, especially when you have about 37 cars lined up behind you. But to read the news paper at the same time? Wow… Congratulations are in order; no questions asked! The amount of importance you put on your own time is breathe taking.
But I digress, I have had time to now analyze the situation further… Around your license plate it read “Hanna Chrysler”. At the time I didn’t read anything into this, but then (and I swear to CHRIST this is true) I remembered some of the random crap I came across while reading Nickelback reviews. Chad Kroeger, that no talent mouth breather WAS BORN IN HANNA, ALBERTA, CANADA!!! The same place you bought your Faggy “California Special” Mustang. Honestly! I don’t know why this particular type of Mustang is more special than any other Mustang. And why does it have to be a “California Special” Mustang? Would an “Alabama Special” Mustang be any different? Besides having a GPS screen that played nothing but Nascar? I wonder if Nascar's had GPS they would only give you directions that went in a complete circle? It would probably just say, "Left turn ahead, left turn ahead," over and over again.… I don't know, Nascar sucks. But seriously now, why can’t Ford build 1 cool Mustang instead of 27 shitty ones?… Fuck you Ford…
Is it possible that you and Chad “Something in your month” Kroeger are from the same town? Is it possible that you went to school together or something? Because if you did this explains everything. You most likely had a similar upbringing. See, the time you took from my life and the frustration you created are similar to the feelings I get when see that Monster on TV or hear him on the radio. You had plenty of time to get out of the passing lane before those big trucks pulled along side us, making it impossible for us to pass you. The same way that Musical Fascist Chad Kroeger has had plenty of time to fall on a knife or jump in front of a bus. It’s about having an undeserved sense of self-importance and believing that somehow the world is better with you around. Because just to be clear, the world isn't better with you around.
Now I don’t claim that my time is any more important than anyone else’s. The fact that I am writing there attests to that. For real’s, I’d kill myself but I’m too much of a pussy. Instead I drink copious about of shitty alcohol as fast as I can in the hope that either I choke on it or get Cirrhosis. But even I have better things to do than travel behind your soft-top California Mustang. Speaking of which, have you ever been to California? I have, many, many times. And I can tell you, if it really was a “California” Mustang, you would have put fake tits on it and given it a really bad tan like those whores from the “Jersey Shore.”
Anywho, as I finish writing this, something occurs to me. There is a small chance that you could have been reading an article about Nickelback… If I had thought of this at the time I might have driven you off the road and not felt bad about it at all. You have universal health care, so you’d be fine. But what am I supposed to do? I’m still here with hurt feelings from how bad Nickelback is. That's right, their band is so bad they hurt my feelings. Now I know how my buddy Jeff felt this one time back in high school; the windows in my '72 Pontiac LeMans wouldn't roll down and I farted so bad it made him sick. But the look on his face of absolute sadness and nausea was something I'll always look bad on with fondness...
So to sum up I'll say this:
1. If you're not passing, then GET OUT OF THE PASSING LANE. Having 30+ cars behind you blaring their horns for 20 minutes should make this completely obvious, but I guess not.
2. I shouldn't have to mention this but I will anyway just in case. It is generally inadvisable to READ THE FUCKING NEWSPAPER WHILE DRIVING YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
3. After doing the above forementioned activities; you have absolutely no right to look surprised and/or be insulted when I give you the finger and tell you to suck my balls.
4. Eva Mendes, I'd kidnap you and buy you nice things.
5. Fuck you Chad Kroeger.
6. Remember that really awesome song by Metallica called "Unforgiven" that they wrote in 1990? Then remember how after the Black album they had nothing but shit songs for years so they came out with "Unforgiven 2?" That's what Ford has done with the Mustang but in car form by going back to a "retro" look...
7. If Canada's universal health care covered hurt feelings I'd move there, it's the least Canada can do for me...
The other day while I was obeying all posted traffic laws; the sky as blue as can be; the birds no doubt enjoying the last whispers of summer; the deer frolicking gaily in the late summer sun. I saw you in all of your glory. As awkward and as obvious as a turd on the kitchen floor, you were in the passing lane, going 25 miles per hour (sorry, 40.23 kilometers per hour) under the posted speed limit.
You clearly didn’t notice so I’ll let you know now that on that particular patch of Interstate 90 from Issaquah, WA to Spokane, WA has a posted speed limit of 70 MPH. I know it’s only a 260 mile stretch of unimpeded freeway with the speed limit posted only about 80 times. But I can see how those 80 signs were easy to miss while you read the newspaper…
Yes, that’s right, I saw you reading the news paper while driving on the freeway. I saw you shuffling with a big piece of paper while I was stuck behind you. Please don’t think of me as rude or judgmental, I gave you the benefit of the doubt at first and just assumed that it was a map. How do I know that it wasn’t a map you ask? I know because when I was finally able to pass you, after being stuck behind you for upwards of 20 minutes I saw you turn the pages as I drove by giving you the finger.
Whatever article you were reading; possibly about the rise or fall in value of the “loonie” or the “toonie” (whatever it’s called); maybe it was about hockey? Fair enough, you’re Canadian I can see that. Or maybe it was about Stephen Harper’s proposed policies? Yes, I know who your Prime Minister is. Either way, that clearly took precedent over the current task at hand; which of course we both know was driving. Or at least it should have been…
My bigoted assumptions of Mustang owners aside, you have got to be kidding me? Are you a fucking retard?… You’ve got all day to read about Bacon, Geese and Maple Syrup; at that particular moment I think that it is universally understood what is called for. That of course being DRIVING YOUR CAR LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN!
I have since tried to understand what kind of person would do such a thing as you did. Going 25 under in the passing lane is a real shit thing to do, especially when you have about 37 cars lined up behind you. But to read the news paper at the same time? Wow… Congratulations are in order; no questions asked! The amount of importance you put on your own time is breathe taking.
But I digress, I have had time to now analyze the situation further… Around your license plate it read “Hanna Chrysler”. At the time I didn’t read anything into this, but then (and I swear to CHRIST this is true) I remembered some of the random crap I came across while reading Nickelback reviews. Chad Kroeger, that no talent mouth breather WAS BORN IN HANNA, ALBERTA, CANADA!!! The same place you bought your Faggy “California Special” Mustang. Honestly! I don’t know why this particular type of Mustang is more special than any other Mustang. And why does it have to be a “California Special” Mustang? Would an “Alabama Special” Mustang be any different? Besides having a GPS screen that played nothing but Nascar? I wonder if Nascar's had GPS they would only give you directions that went in a complete circle? It would probably just say, "Left turn ahead, left turn ahead," over and over again.… I don't know, Nascar sucks. But seriously now, why can’t Ford build 1 cool Mustang instead of 27 shitty ones?… Fuck you Ford…
Is it possible that you and Chad “Something in your month” Kroeger are from the same town? Is it possible that you went to school together or something? Because if you did this explains everything. You most likely had a similar upbringing. See, the time you took from my life and the frustration you created are similar to the feelings I get when see that Monster on TV or hear him on the radio. You had plenty of time to get out of the passing lane before those big trucks pulled along side us, making it impossible for us to pass you. The same way that Musical Fascist Chad Kroeger has had plenty of time to fall on a knife or jump in front of a bus. It’s about having an undeserved sense of self-importance and believing that somehow the world is better with you around. Because just to be clear, the world isn't better with you around.
Now I don’t claim that my time is any more important than anyone else’s. The fact that I am writing there attests to that. For real’s, I’d kill myself but I’m too much of a pussy. Instead I drink copious about of shitty alcohol as fast as I can in the hope that either I choke on it or get Cirrhosis. But even I have better things to do than travel behind your soft-top California Mustang. Speaking of which, have you ever been to California? I have, many, many times. And I can tell you, if it really was a “California” Mustang, you would have put fake tits on it and given it a really bad tan like those whores from the “Jersey Shore.”
Anywho, as I finish writing this, something occurs to me. There is a small chance that you could have been reading an article about Nickelback… If I had thought of this at the time I might have driven you off the road and not felt bad about it at all. You have universal health care, so you’d be fine. But what am I supposed to do? I’m still here with hurt feelings from how bad Nickelback is. That's right, their band is so bad they hurt my feelings. Now I know how my buddy Jeff felt this one time back in high school; the windows in my '72 Pontiac LeMans wouldn't roll down and I farted so bad it made him sick. But the look on his face of absolute sadness and nausea was something I'll always look bad on with fondness...
So to sum up I'll say this:
1. If you're not passing, then GET OUT OF THE PASSING LANE. Having 30+ cars behind you blaring their horns for 20 minutes should make this completely obvious, but I guess not.
2. I shouldn't have to mention this but I will anyway just in case. It is generally inadvisable to READ THE FUCKING NEWSPAPER WHILE DRIVING YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
3. After doing the above forementioned activities; you have absolutely no right to look surprised and/or be insulted when I give you the finger and tell you to suck my balls.
4. Eva Mendes, I'd kidnap you and buy you nice things.
5. Fuck you Chad Kroeger.
6. Remember that really awesome song by Metallica called "Unforgiven" that they wrote in 1990? Then remember how after the Black album they had nothing but shit songs for years so they came out with "Unforgiven 2?" That's what Ford has done with the Mustang but in car form by going back to a "retro" look...
7. If Canada's universal health care covered hurt feelings I'd move there, it's the least Canada can do for me...
Sunday, July 25, 2010
This is Craigslist in Seattle...
This is a post I put on Craigslist awhile back.
I just don't care anymore y' know?
My wife left me awhile back, I got laid off, Craigslist is free and I've got nothing but time. But unlike my wife this disc changer is still sitting around my house, just not getting fatter...
Anyway, the title says it all... If you can't figure out what I'm selling then forget about it, I won't sell it to you. I require the IQ and the basic reading skills of a 2nd grader to do business on Craigslist. If this is you, then you're in luck. I might have the 92-96 OEM (original equipment manufacturer) BMW 6 disc changer for you.
Let me get a few things out of the way.
First, the changer costs $50... Let me say that again, $50... For all of you skimming over this part I'll say it (type it, for you internet trolls out there, Rob Larsen I'm thinking of you right now) one more time, $50 (fifty dollars). So, no, I will not sell it for $25, or $30 or even $49.99. Unless you have a Federal Reserve Note with a big'ol "50" on it or a number of smaller denominated pieces American currency that when added together equal $50; I will not sell it to you... Not that hard to figure out, seriously.
Second, before anyone asks me if this will work in their e30 or their 1997 e36 or their e46; ask yourself this. HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW? According to a 3 minute search on this really crazy thing call the internet, it's made for a 92-96 e36. So will it work with something that isn't an 92-96 e36? Buy it and find out, I don't care.
Third, did you notice at the top of the page where I said that I was interested in trades?... Go ahead and check real quick... Now double check... Did you see where I said that I wanted to trade??? NO!!! YOU DIDN'T!!! If I wanted to trade this for something I wouldn't have said that I was selling it, I would have said that I wanted to trade for something, Jesus Christ! Seriously, I'm trying to get rid my shit, not trade my shit for your shit. If I keep doing that then my shit and your shit will keep piling up until we're both covered in shit...
Let me put it another way: The older I get the more shit I get. If I trade my shit for your shit then my net shit gain/loss is equal to 0, I haven't gained any shit but I haven't lost any shit either. What I need is my net shit gain to be at least -1. I have made this graph to illustrate.
(If you can't read or don't understand this graph then turn your voter's registration card back into the state because you're a fucking retard.)
Finally,
IT'S A FUCKING CD PLAYER!!!
This is a list of questions that I was LITERALLY asked about this changer and my responses to them:
Q: Will it make my car cooler?
A: No.
Q: Will it get me laid?
A: Doubtful.
Q: Will it make me money?
A: Absolutely.
Q: Will it be a conversation piece?
A: I really don't see how.
Q: Will it play cassette tapes?
A: Go fuck yourself.
Q: Will it allow me to listen to CDs in my car?
A: Yes.
If you want this CD Changer then reply to this ad.
I don't want to look at this anymore. Every time I see it, it's like looking at my wife's ass getting fatter.
I just don't care anymore y' know?
My wife left me awhile back, I got laid off, Craigslist is free and I've got nothing but time. But unlike my wife this disc changer is still sitting around my house, just not getting fatter...
Anyway, the title says it all... If you can't figure out what I'm selling then forget about it, I won't sell it to you. I require the IQ and the basic reading skills of a 2nd grader to do business on Craigslist. If this is you, then you're in luck. I might have the 92-96 OEM (original equipment manufacturer) BMW 6 disc changer for you.
Let me get a few things out of the way.
First, the changer costs $50... Let me say that again, $50... For all of you skimming over this part I'll say it (type it, for you internet trolls out there, Rob Larsen I'm thinking of you right now) one more time, $50 (fifty dollars). So, no, I will not sell it for $25, or $30 or even $49.99. Unless you have a Federal Reserve Note with a big'ol "50" on it or a number of smaller denominated pieces American currency that when added together equal $50; I will not sell it to you... Not that hard to figure out, seriously.
Second, before anyone asks me if this will work in their e30 or their 1997 e36 or their e46; ask yourself this. HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW? According to a 3 minute search on this really crazy thing call the internet, it's made for a 92-96 e36. So will it work with something that isn't an 92-96 e36? Buy it and find out, I don't care.
Third, did you notice at the top of the page where I said that I was interested in trades?... Go ahead and check real quick... Now double check... Did you see where I said that I wanted to trade??? NO!!! YOU DIDN'T!!! If I wanted to trade this for something I wouldn't have said that I was selling it, I would have said that I wanted to trade for something, Jesus Christ! Seriously, I'm trying to get rid my shit, not trade my shit for your shit. If I keep doing that then my shit and your shit will keep piling up until we're both covered in shit...
Let me put it another way: The older I get the more shit I get. If I trade my shit for your shit then my net shit gain/loss is equal to 0, I haven't gained any shit but I haven't lost any shit either. What I need is my net shit gain to be at least -1. I have made this graph to illustrate.
(If you can't read or don't understand this graph then turn your voter's registration card back into the state because you're a fucking retard.)
Finally,
IT'S A FUCKING CD PLAYER!!!
This is a list of questions that I was LITERALLY asked about this changer and my responses to them:
Q: Will it make my car cooler?
A: No.
Q: Will it get me laid?
A: Doubtful.
Q: Will it make me money?
A: Absolutely.
Q: Will it be a conversation piece?
A: I really don't see how.
Q: Will it play cassette tapes?
A: Go fuck yourself.
Q: Will it allow me to listen to CDs in my car?
A: Yes.
If you want this CD Changer then reply to this ad.
I don't want to look at this anymore. Every time I see it, it's like looking at my wife's ass getting fatter.
An Open Letter to Chad Kroeger
Dear Chad,
It has recently come to my attention that you have started a band called Nickelback... first, let me say that your bands name isn't all that great... it isn't all that bad either, but I’m just saying that you probably could have tried harder...
I don't consider myself to be anymore of a music expert than anyone else, but there are a few things that I have to get off my chest...
There are few things in the world that can move people more than music... A single note played at the right moment can bring people to tears. Clever lyrics can remind people of a great time in their life, and make them smile. Some music and even remind people of why they fell in love; but your music; Chad; does none of these things.
I grew up in a suburb of Seattle called Maple Valley. When I was 13 years old Kurt Cobain died... This affected me and others like me, greatly. I had always liked Nirvana, but the first time I heard, "where did you sleep last night" I realized how much I had lost; how much the world had lost, and how music would forever be worse off... Kurt Cobain made the world a better place... And I am grateful to have had the opportunity to enjoy what he had to offer the world...
But you and those ass holes you're in a band with... You make the world a worse place, let me explain...
When I first heard your band I thought, “Wow, what a shitty band...” I bet they'll be around for a year or so and then fall off the face of the earth like those Papa Roach fags... But you haven't... This doesn't mean that you have any talent at all, this says nothing about you or your band, this has to do with your fans...
Your fans are the same people who say soccer is boring but love Nascar... What the fuck?... Seriously?... Watching Europeans run around in short shorts is boring, but watching red necks drive in circles for 500 miles is entertaining?.. You see my point here?...
You wrote a song called, "If everyone cared" Fine… I assume you wanted people to know that you were a sensitive rocker fag like Bono. Fine... But if you are going to write a song called, "If everyone cared" then you can't turn around and write a song called, "Something in Your Mouth." Going from sensitive rocker fag like Bono to retarded ass clown singing about blow jobs doesn't work... It just makes you look like a complete phony...
Some will say, "Nickel back has sold millions and millions of albums... and won many, many awards..." All this means is that you sold a lot of records and won a lot of awards... That's all. You are not the best at anything other than making me want to kill myself. Let me give you an example.
Kobe Bryant has won more basketball championships that Magic Johnson, but Kobe Bryant isn't the best Laker until he beats AIDS... See what I mean?
There is a difference between skill and talent... Your band has a lot of skill, but no talent whatsoever. Let me put it another way. Your band can play any type of music in the world but can't write a good creative song if your life depended on it. Let me put it another way... If I had two dicks I’d cut them both off just so I could shove them both into my ears so I wouldn't have to hear your shitty music ever again… Seriously, your band is a musical abortion…
To sum up I’ll say this:
1. You write songs for the stupidest people in the world... otherwise known as NASCAR fans.
2. You try to be everything to everybody; a sensitive guy sometimes and then a guy who just wants pussy at other times.
3. You write dumb songs because while you have skill you have no talent.
Every historically significant band has at least 1 song that people will always remember... Stairway to heaven by Led Zeppelin, Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix, Creep by Radiohead, Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana, Hey Jude or I Want to Hold Your Hand by the Beatles, and so on and so on. But your band has none...
Lastly, how do you live with yourself?
Your music is so bad I’m almost glad Kurt isn't around to hear it... Every time one of your 3 minute musical suppositories comes on the radio it's another 3 minutes that a band with actual talent isn't on the radio. So, you see... You're not just making my life worse; you're making the lives of others worse too.
Of all the things that are wrong and terrible about your band this last one is the worst… Once I’ve heard your band, I’ve heard it forever. I can never un-hear your band. If I had a choice between killing Hitler before he started World War 2 and stopping your band from getting together for the first time, I’d choose stopping you.
It has recently come to my attention that you have started a band called Nickelback... first, let me say that your bands name isn't all that great... it isn't all that bad either, but I’m just saying that you probably could have tried harder...
I don't consider myself to be anymore of a music expert than anyone else, but there are a few things that I have to get off my chest...
There are few things in the world that can move people more than music... A single note played at the right moment can bring people to tears. Clever lyrics can remind people of a great time in their life, and make them smile. Some music and even remind people of why they fell in love; but your music; Chad; does none of these things.
I grew up in a suburb of Seattle called Maple Valley. When I was 13 years old Kurt Cobain died... This affected me and others like me, greatly. I had always liked Nirvana, but the first time I heard, "where did you sleep last night" I realized how much I had lost; how much the world had lost, and how music would forever be worse off... Kurt Cobain made the world a better place... And I am grateful to have had the opportunity to enjoy what he had to offer the world...
But you and those ass holes you're in a band with... You make the world a worse place, let me explain...
When I first heard your band I thought, “Wow, what a shitty band...” I bet they'll be around for a year or so and then fall off the face of the earth like those Papa Roach fags... But you haven't... This doesn't mean that you have any talent at all, this says nothing about you or your band, this has to do with your fans...
Your fans are the same people who say soccer is boring but love Nascar... What the fuck?... Seriously?... Watching Europeans run around in short shorts is boring, but watching red necks drive in circles for 500 miles is entertaining?.. You see my point here?...
You wrote a song called, "If everyone cared" Fine… I assume you wanted people to know that you were a sensitive rocker fag like Bono. Fine... But if you are going to write a song called, "If everyone cared" then you can't turn around and write a song called, "Something in Your Mouth." Going from sensitive rocker fag like Bono to retarded ass clown singing about blow jobs doesn't work... It just makes you look like a complete phony...
Some will say, "Nickel back has sold millions and millions of albums... and won many, many awards..." All this means is that you sold a lot of records and won a lot of awards... That's all. You are not the best at anything other than making me want to kill myself. Let me give you an example.
Kobe Bryant has won more basketball championships that Magic Johnson, but Kobe Bryant isn't the best Laker until he beats AIDS... See what I mean?
There is a difference between skill and talent... Your band has a lot of skill, but no talent whatsoever. Let me put it another way. Your band can play any type of music in the world but can't write a good creative song if your life depended on it. Let me put it another way... If I had two dicks I’d cut them both off just so I could shove them both into my ears so I wouldn't have to hear your shitty music ever again… Seriously, your band is a musical abortion…
To sum up I’ll say this:
1. You write songs for the stupidest people in the world... otherwise known as NASCAR fans.
2. You try to be everything to everybody; a sensitive guy sometimes and then a guy who just wants pussy at other times.
3. You write dumb songs because while you have skill you have no talent.
Every historically significant band has at least 1 song that people will always remember... Stairway to heaven by Led Zeppelin, Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix, Creep by Radiohead, Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana, Hey Jude or I Want to Hold Your Hand by the Beatles, and so on and so on. But your band has none...
Lastly, how do you live with yourself?
Your music is so bad I’m almost glad Kurt isn't around to hear it... Every time one of your 3 minute musical suppositories comes on the radio it's another 3 minutes that a band with actual talent isn't on the radio. So, you see... You're not just making my life worse; you're making the lives of others worse too.
Of all the things that are wrong and terrible about your band this last one is the worst… Once I’ve heard your band, I’ve heard it forever. I can never un-hear your band. If I had a choice between killing Hitler before he started World War 2 and stopping your band from getting together for the first time, I’d choose stopping you.
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